Pear-Shaped Women, It’s Not You

Three green, slightly bruised, pears lined side-by-side in front of a black backdrop

From the desk of: Angelina Squarejaw, Fashion Expert and Fitness Guru 

Dear Pear-Shaped Women,

Your hips and thighs are juicy. They demand attention; unfortunately, despite a recent explosive acceptance of all body types, yours is still the worst.

don’t think that, of course, but let’s take a moment for you to employ some self-awareness. You are disproportionate. Large hips and thighs (the least attractive of body parts when amplified) and small breasts and shoulders. That’s disconcerting for the seeing public. To be a member of society, it’s important that you think of the rest of us. You don’t want your body to offend the public do you?

How can you fix your offensive body? We’re so glad you asked! It’s a relief to us all that you’re hearing our comments on your body and are willing to make some changes. It’s not a criticism of you as a person. Don’t get me wrong. No! You are so special. It’s just your body that needs some, let’s call it, charitable rearchitecting.

Here’s our suggestion: bootcut jeans.

Think of it as urban camouflage. We don’t want to be visually accosted by your fat-bottomed spite; it’s impolite. No one will notice your thick, juicy thighs and round ass if your jeans have some ankle flair.

You hate bootcut jeans? Well, while I do question your motivations and communal spirit, I think there might be some other viable options. All is not lost. If you absolutely cannot stomach the idea of bootcut jeans, consider breast implants, maybe? For balance, of course. Anorexia? Your body will eat away at itself eventually because honestly, your ass is a feast, a metabolic smorgasbord. More cardio? That might work, but a few of these suggestions are long-term solutions, and we’re definitely more interested in an immediate fix. Whatever you do, please, for the love of Jesus, hourglass-shaped Mary, and Joseph, don’t do squats. That’ll just exacerbate the issue. Surgery might be a helpful option, actually. Just remove everything below your adult playground. In fact, take that, too; we can’t have you propagating more generations of pear-shaped women. That’s just irresponsible.

Still the quickest, most economical answer is a dark-wash bootcut jean, preferably with some stretch and a mid-rise (to avoid the spillage of your soft hips and derriere). It’s rude to force us to see your body shape, so have some manners. Buy bootcut jeans. Wear them every day of the year, more than one pair at a time. Wear them on your head. As a scarf. Tie the legs around your waist or shoulders like a tennis-loving housewife (her slim body is perfectly rectangular; much easier on the eyes). We trust your creativity, so you can trust this helpful advice. Repeat after me: bootcut jeans.

Again, it’s not you. It’s your body; you’re a pear-shaped problem.

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Sincerest regards,

Your Humble, Small-Hipped Savior